Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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