I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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