Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i want to swaddle you in tequila
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
