allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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