sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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