You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
