I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
