if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
