While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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