I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
