I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
