So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
