What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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