please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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