Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
