I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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