Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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