meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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