I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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