i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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