made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
