he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
