I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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