Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I see more hoeing in ur future
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