I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
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