Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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