i think i have two assholes
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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