the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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