I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
