So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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