I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
