hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
