you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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