Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
