dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
