Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
