I am in a vortex of obligation.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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