I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
well you can't waste a boner
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
