haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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