u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
