i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
