I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
