my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
