I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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