I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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