My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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