I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
