haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
