You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
