I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
