Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
