This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize