Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
