someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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