dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
