In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
