i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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