i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
high people should be assigned attendants
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
