Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
