I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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