I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize