I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize