So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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